Frustrated

Well... Hmmm...

I was going to write about my frustrations some more, but I don't really have time. I guess. But I will do a little about it.

SO!

I am not just frustrated by the things that are "getting" to me, but by the fact that I would let myself be in a postion where they could get to me, and that I would let them get to me. Huh, those to things sound alike. Like Girls? What care have I for girls? Having a girlfriend is something that I have thought of now and again, and always easily dismissed. But this time its really bugging me. Because why should I think of it now, its not any different now! Can't I just be done with such foolish-ness?

Or what about depression? Now and again I have been depressed... Why? What for? It doesn't seem I am ever depressed about anything thing that matters. I just am. Its so pointless. Where is my peace that passes beyond all understanding? Don't I know the truth, and live it in my life? Shouldn't I have nothing to be depressed about? Trully sack cloth and ashes are for another time, a more somber time.

Yeah. I am the most down on myself person I know.

But Why?

Well, I guess I have to get ready for church, so I am off...


Chau!

And I wished it all away...

Howdy!

I used to say Howdy all the time. A long time ago. But then other kids said it too, so I stopped. Stopped doesn't look right...

Hmmm... Yeah...

I really shouldn't blog. Its like a collection of all my worst thoughts. Kind of. Like, its all sorts of thoughts that I really don't need to think about. Like girls. Or questions I have that can't really be answered. Although, I don't know if I have wrote down any questions that can't be answered.

I think my posting has been pretty cracked out lately. Like me. Yeah. I don't know whats up...

All sorts of things to say about nothing I guess. Bad habit of using my mouth for talking, when I really should be using it to keep the silence. Bad bad me..

Yeah, well, I was hoping to see somone on the net, but they don't appear to be here. So I guess I am going to bed.

Chau!

Hey Kidz!

Hey J00, what's up Kidz?

So, yeah... I wrote two letters today. Which for me, is two to many. Because I don't write letters. I write a lot of posts, yes, I IM a lot, but I don't write letters. Some how whatever I write in what is supposed to be a real personal thing, comes across as foolish, or self involved. Which is both of them came across as! The first was a foolish little whiny thing about how I don't write letters, and the second was about myself mostly. Which bugs me, but what can you do? People demanded letters, so letters I sent. I guess nothing can be done, but hope that they aren't read.

Yeah, they were both to Bobbie Jo. I think she wanted a handwritten one. I don't know though, and I am not going to ask, because I flat out refuse to handwrite one. Because I have such bad handwriting. People tell me I need to be a doctor, its so bad. So I should get a Doctorate, and call myself a doctor. I could be a doctor of theology. That would be cool. I guess.

Yeah. She confuses me, Bobbie Jo that is... Because I have no idea what she wants from me. Hmmm... I guess its because I mostly become friends with people, people don't become friends with me. In a way... I have no idea if that makes sense. Yeah

I should stop rambling... But its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun!

blar blar blar... *screams!*

Yeah...

So...

I always have questions that I feel like asking people. Like why some people talk to me, why some people WANT to talk to me. Why other people tolerate me. I want to ask about things people say, like why they said it, because sometime people say things that could get easily confused. Yeah


BUT ENOUGH rambling.

Chau!

Chika Waa!

Chika Waa!

Yeah.

That was one of my bucket head noises! Which rocked!

You should all go play bucket head now.


So, I saw the Chronicles of Riddick the other day... It was ok. It was super epic.


Yeah.


I have decided that summer is a bad time for me. I work to much, and see people to little. And I want to spend time with girls. Which distrubs me. I don't like girls. They are just confusing. Its not that I can't stand them, or can't talk to them. Its just there isn't a real good reason for me to have relationships with girls. Because I can't really be real good friends with them, becuase you always have to hold them at arms length. Or something.

I will talk more about that later maybe. Or something.

Yup Yup

Chau

HELLO KELSEY!

WHY ARE YOU READING MY BORING BLOG? STOP IT NOW!

HEHEHE

YEAH, I AM THAT LAME.

Chau

To what extent...

G'Day Mates

So... Today I worked. Just the second day back and already I am back at it. Doesn't surprise me though. Not at the work farm. Always work to be done here.

I am tired though. I wish I could have had a couple days to recover. My limbs ache, and my mind is slow. My body needs sleep, and I need time to think. I still don't know what I will say next Wednesday. I have some idea, but I am not just sure. I have been asking God about it, and I will continue to do so. In a way, I am very scared. In a different way I am very excited. I will just have to be patient and see what becomes of it. If it goes how I want it to, I will be very happy. If not, well then I will probably be mildly be disturbed.

Yeah...

So, I am kind of planning on emailing Bobbie Jo tomorrow or the next day. Or something. Maybe not. I don't have her email address. I don't know. I feel uncertian. Because I have no idea what she thinks of me. Or why she spent so much time with me. Because if she wanted to be more than friends, than I really can't email her yet. But if she wants to be friends, than I cannot wait to long before she is disapointed.

I just don't know.

Bobbie Jo is tough though, so either way she will be fine. I hope. I will just have to trust in the Lord to help me make the right decision.

Yeah.

I have spent a decent amount of time talking to people today. Like Veronica. I talked to her some. And Christina a bit too. And my cousin, Matthew.

Right...


Yeah!


Chau

Today and EverDay

Hey Jo!

Hehe, I'm funny...


SO for the third time I am rewriting this post. Don't ask... Tharrr bee evil a foot.


We were in San Jose, which is a city of 2 million people. The section of city we did most of our work in was called "the forsaken ones" a place without hope. I did clowning, which was fun, but I felt sorry for my leader cause she teh rocked at it and I was really bad. We did 3 or 4 school assemblies a day and a rally or church service at night. We really worked hard, never getting much sleep. One day we were up for 19 hours. That was the longest day. We worked Jon Dahlager, who was a real cool missionary. Almost everyone got along, I wish I could say that everyone did. But I can't, because if you watched closely, you could see clearly that some people were not getting along well, and were avoiding each other. And if you were me, you could see that many people didn't get along well with certain others. But things still went fine, and no one was angry or bitter. They just didn't get along well with other people.

Haha, my leader totally hated me. :-D Just kidding. She actually loves me a ton. Also just kidding. The truth lies somewhere in between there.

OH!

Let me tell you about the phenomenal day we had for our fun day!

OK! We rode horse for about 2 hours, and then we went zip lining about 400 feet above the forest canopy, and then we did white water rafting for about 3 hours.

The horses weren't bad, I fell off once, the only one too. The zip lining was sweet! But the white water rafting was just plain "teh rockin' awesome". It was so rockin' awesome, because my raft pretended to be Pirates the whole way. For strokes we would yell "Heave, Ho, Heave, Ho" And we would yell things at the other rafts, in piratey talk. Like "You yeller belly liver licken sons of hamsters!" And we would fire broad sides of water at others. It was fun. It rocked. It was a blessing from God. Yeah.

Today and EveryDay.

Dying to make life anew. Spending my last breath to say goodbye. Using my first to say Hello old friend. Weathering the darkness before dawn, just to see the sudden sunrise. A life lived just to see what happens after its death.



hahahahahahahahahahaha SO! I AM listening to an internet radio thing right? And I requested "these are not my pants" by five iron, and its hilarious, and a bunch of different people hearing it too. Its funny.

Back to Talking about the Trip

So, there was this girl on the trip. Her name was Bobbie Jo, hence the joke at the very top. I would say, Hey J00! And she thought I was saying her name, but really I was just being super lame, and pretending to say 1337 speak aloud. So... Often, girls on these trips and will pretend that one of the guys on the trip is there boyfriend, so they can say to the nationals, oh there is my boyfried. Well, Bobbie Jo pretended I was her boyfriend. Which is just more irony for my life. Cause she is a touchy feely kind of person. So she was constantly hanging on me. She is a funny girl. A nice girl. Hehe, I enjoyed spending time with her, even if we didn't talk much. She was kinda paranoid, like "does he hate me" because I didn't talk much, or do anything. So she felt kinda down about it. But I am pretty sure that she didn't feel that way in the end. I need to get her email address or she will, cause she was all, are you really going to write me? And I was like yeah, I will. I should post a bunch of pictures here, so that way she can see them. That would be cool.

She leaned her head on my shoulder a lot. Which makes me feel like she is my little sister, because my little sister is the only one else in the whole world who has ever leaned her head on my shoulder. Hehe. Yeah. I don't know. New and interesting experience.

I have more to say. I do. More about what God did in my heart down there. But I need to pray more about it. I have said a little to my very trusted cousin Matthew. And even then, very little. Funny that there are things that I won't even write in my personal journally sort of thing. All I am going to say is that I am very excited. Thrilled! Enthused! Estatic! In wonder! Awed!

Yeah, I will type some more later.

Chau!

Backity

Hey J00!

I am backity!

It was a teh rockin' awesome time, and I am sure it "Teh Owned" on the time you guys had while I was a way. Sorry, bad joke. Ugghhh... I am pooped. We certainly worked ourselves weary. Nobody had energy on the flight home. I am going to miss all those kidz in the up coming days. We have all been through a lot in the last couple of days. Crazy foreign bus drivers, and they're driving rules. All that beans and rice. Mmmmm... and glass bottle fanta. Those awesome church services where we didn't know what anyone was saying but worshipped our hearts out anyways, 'cause God new what we were a sayin' even if the nationals didn't. Hahaha, and my favourite service, the one where the lady preached for like 2 hours, and we had no interpreter. Yes, verily, all those things rockethed...

Well, Its like 2:30 right now, and I am crazy tired. And I really need to go to sleep, so I am going to say goodbye! I hope to tell you all more in the up coming days and weeks. Yeah.

Chau!

OH! I almost forgot!!! We saw the awesomest band while we were down there! They are really good, and just recording a cd! They are like the SuperTones of CostRica! AND I DANCED TO THEM! 'Cause they rocked! The rocked their little Ska hearts out!

Yeah, Minnesota Goodbye...

Chau!

YOYOYOYOYO!

Hey Yo!

I made it down safely! So far I am having an awesome time! We have been playing bucket head, which rocks! If you don't know what that is tough, and I should teach it to you some time.

I gotta get up at 3:15 to get ready to go, so I am a headding to bed early. So, check you later.

yeah!

Chau!

Soo...

I am leaving on monday. Wow, so soon...

Yeah.

I know I say a lot of things about this and that, about how I am not good at this or whatever or being sad or angry or what or what or what... yeah...

So now I am posting about good stuff. About things that are great.

Yeah!

Ok, so check this out! I say that I can't write. Well, that same writting skill is what God gave me to spread the gospel, so it totally fits for the work it was made for. Make sense? Yeah, I think so too... Or how about my singing voice? I really don't like it, but I guess people say its good. But thats the same voice God gave me to sing his praise. Now this doesn't mean that it is perfect, far from it, but with Gods guidance it can still be used for his awesome works. And it doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to work on these things so that they get better. Because God doesn't want sloth servants. Yeah. Thats right. Yo!

My friend Cristy is such an encourager, she is all, yeah I am pumped for the trip. Its gonna rock! Its going to be tough, but if we spend time in prayer and fasting, and just asking God for our every need, everythings gonna be ok. hehehe, and then she was all rapping... which is crazy, because she sounds good, even though I don't like rap.


I am almost done with chemistry, which I am so going to have to review like ten times... and then some. Yeah!

Chau!

Hey Yo!

Today is wednesday... Which means that we have youth group tonight! Yee-ahhh... Ye ah? IDK... I heard that Christina might be there tonight. Maybe. Or maybe I heard wrong, its so hard to know with such things. I rarely trust second hand information. That would be cool though, especially 'cause her own youth group has been causing her such pain. I hate it when my friends are pained, and I can't really help.

I am kind of dreading it though, because I have to talk to someone who I don't want to talk to... Because we were talking, and then suddenly they left. Things like that make me paranoid. Like something I said was so bad that they left. Just don't know. I guess I will have to find out.

yeah.

ummm...

Gotta go get ready. I have like 2 minutes before I have to get out the door!

Chau

Screwed Up...

Was for Christina...

Yo!

This post started as a reply to Christinas comment.



As far as saying stupid things... I seem to have a chronic problem with it. Because I can only go for like a month without saying something stupid. But I don't mean just normal foolish things, I mean extra foolish, like talking about how some girl wore my jacket. I mean, its not like it effects the grand scheme of things. And it a needless worry, that it "means" something. Because that is not how I would like to conduct my relationships.

I would rather that I got to be good friends with a girl, and then say make my intentions known, and then devolp our friend ship further. If we would go to the point of marriage, I do not know. I would hope so. But its all in Gods hands, not mine.

I do not think that I would like it if the Lady made it known to me that she loved me. I would have a talk with her, and we would see what we could sort out of it. And maybe I would even strive for such a thing, depending on who it was, and where we stood in our relationship. If I thought she was a sincere Christian gal, and I had Gods blessing to go ahead with it, I would pursue it. I guess... Yeah... IDK, in some ways, me being the timid man I am, I would rather that they did something first... But I know that the man really is supposed to wear the pants in the realationship, and thus it is my duty to do so. Yup Yup... I think I think...

IDK why I am talking about this...



And now for something completly different...

Today we had an AIM meeting. I had to give a testimony in two minutes. I did really bad, because I didn't have a very good ending, and I wasn't very specific. I never do very good at testimonies. Jena told me I sounded like I was doing a job interview. In Argentina, when I did my first testimony, I broke down crying afterwords, because something kept telling me that I hadn't done it well enough, so those kids were going to hell. Thats what I call spirtual attack. I have been under spiritual attack all week. I never come so quickly to this level of down, and only rarely can I go back so quickly, and then back down again. My sister and I argued in the car today, about who gets shotgun... It was my turn, but she was already in it. And then I didn't answer my mothers questioning about whats going on with school for about 10 minutes. We both just sat there.

The sky was marveiouls today! It was an aweing color of blue. Sky Blue I guess. All the clouds were blue too. At least in one part of the sky. In another it was purple, and close to the horizon it was still mostly white, but with bright reds and pinks. It was beautiful. Like God made it just for me, becuase he knows what I love. Oh! And there were some gray looking clouds, gray as though they were promising rain. Mmmm... Rain...

Yeah, those were lame thoughts from me.



I guess my sister has been reading my blog... Thats very disapointing... Because at least she could have asked, being as though it is my personal diary-ish thing-er.

It makes me want to go back to storybook. You can't ever be wrong if you argue with yourself. You can't ever be right if you argue with yourself. Storybook was a good book, full of raw emotion. Full of hopes and dreams, fears and sorrows. It was everything that I would never want another person to read. All the things that made me human I suppose. All the things that made me good, all the things that made me bad. It was the deepest part of my heart. It was the blood that I spilled, and the tears I shed. It was the happiness I hoped for, and the joy I so longed for. And when joy found, that too went into storybook.


Sorry... When you write about storybook, you must write like storybook. A little too repetative for my taste, but such my bane in storybook.

Yeah...

Chau!

Post of much posting.

Yo!

I am listening to a CD. But who is this CD? I do not know. They are good. They are singing reassuring things. I don't recall hearing them before. I wonder if they are new to my CD collection. This I do not know either.

Today was a good day. I spent time with my cousin at his house today. We played video games, for awhile. Then I went to Micahs grad party, which was fun. I enjoyed spending time with people that I don't often see. People like Niki, Christian and Dustin.

That reminds me, I have to re-write my links so that you can go to Christinas Xanga. For whatever reasons they hate me, and nobody has ever said anything about it. Hahaha! That didn't make sense... I was supposed to say that you must hate me because you haven't told me about it!

Sometimes while I talk to people I end up thinking that they don't want to talk to me. That they would rather not have to deal with me. Of course this must be depression, and not true. I only say that because I have thought that for probably everyone I know. But that's my struggle. Mein Kampf. Of course, it could be true, and sometimes I would rather believe that it is. But my emotions are more dangerous to me than anything else.

Today a girl wore my jacket. Does that even mean anything? Its kind of a strangely embarrassing thing. She wore it because she was cold, but does it ever mean anything? But in times like this, its best to stick to code that "nothing means anything". Yeah. I hate it when I think things should mean something. Luckily I am smart enough to know it never does. Which makes me happy, happy that it never means anything.



And somedays, 25 seems like a long time to wait. But it will be worth it. Today I am still to young, and still too foolish to handle the responsibilities of love. I can only hope that I will be wise enough to handle it at 25. That's 7 short years you know! I have a lot to learn! Right now I can't even keep a functioning "deeper" relationship. Partially it seems that time and commitment keeps me from that kind of relationship. The other thing that keeps me from such a relationship is that I am a winy dork. Perhaps if I were not so foolish I would do better. I am not even that close with my cousin Matt any more. We used to be real tight. But then I said to many foolish things for even my our relationship to weather. We are still friends, but now his heart is silent to mine. I know he still loves me, and that he cares for me, but we do not talk in the same manor as we once did. It used to so.. so.. so much "something"... IDK... But in some ways it must be better this way. I think he realized once that I am not helping him up, because he is reaching so much higher than I am, that I can't. How dearly I love that man. I once told him that "He is the brother of my own soul". There is a verse in the Old Testament that talks about that.

Well... There is more foolish-ness for you.

I think the wiser you get, the more you realize that you are not wise. Of course that would be self praising, so it can't be true...

I just don't know. Sometimes I wonder if you can know anything. I guess most of our lives rest of faith. Faith that our computer will work. We see no reason that they shouldn't work, but really, they probably shouldn't.

Yeah... I guess I am kind of depressed, but I know that I am trying hard to be pleasing in my Gods eyes. We are working hard at it. And its tough. But it is worth it.

Well, I can't be depressed anymore. I have to much to do now to be depressed. Like my missions trip in 8 days. Busy Busy Busy!!!

Chau! And good luck with your life!

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I could live with that...


I guess...

Nothing

So, I was endeavoring to learn some Xhtml today, instead of last night when I should of, when! I realized that xhtml wasn't showing up with my browser, for whatever reason... And I haven't had any succes in making it show up. How am I ever going to do CSS without Xhtml?

I just don't know.

Matt graduated today! It took three hours... But it happened!

Hahahaha, Matts old. Real old. Pretty soon he will be driving...

Yeah.

Chau

It only takes one word to ruin a friendship!

It only takes one word to ruin a friendship!

:-D

I should know, I am good at it!

"Unentitled" by... ummm... me

How sweet the nectar of life poured out upon the sand, draining life from what was once a man. His heart is now broken, his mind is now motionless. He gave it his all, he tried his hardest, but still here he lies. So still... So still... The waves break upon his body, careassing him with their pain. They say come back, come back. Return yourself to me. His spirit struggles for its freedom, but in the end cannot be freed.

" " By... yeah...

In his blindness he did not see. His senses failing, he knew not of me. I watched him from afar, but he didn't see. I wispered in his ear, but never would he listen. He said he knew me, but we never met. I knew him, knew him O' so well. We could have been brothers, we could have been friends, but he said no. He said he knew the way, knew where to go, and what to do. But it seems now, that he never knew anything. Today I mourn his passing, I mourn for what he could have been, what he could have done. But he didn't... He never did.

Gottta get me an emerald Man Ring! So people can swear fealty to me! YEAH YEAH YEAH!

Chau

Retarted

"You Go Girl!"

hahaha... Thats right! GO! GO FAR AWAY!!! AND DON'T COME BACK!

Sorry... I was reading something and they said you go girl, and I was all like... yeah...


Chau

I will try harder not to be so retarted next time...

I think I am going to have to endeavour into making my own blog skin. I will probably make like five crappy ones first...

Oh well...

Chau!

Hahaha... I called someother girl Anna while I was chatting today, and I nearly died from embarssment... Cause we had been talking for a while, but she had a real long name like Anna's so I didn't even read it... Opps...

Cocaine

Today in school...

I learned that cocaine is not a form of sugar... I bet your school never taught you that!

hahaha...

Yeah!

Chau

The nice thing is...

The nice thing is...

Is that none of all you peeps who comment on my blog are people I deal with on physical basis. So if I am talking about someone that I know and what they are going through and stuff, I don't have to worry that anyone will be offended or something.

Yeah!

I gave my sister the coolest email addreas... MOONBEAMDOMINATION@HOTMAIL.COM!

Pretty slick, Eh?

Yeah, I thought so... I must have given her that like a year and half ago? Or something...

Frosted Flakes make strange sound. And remind me of rice crispies.

So what do you think? Time to change the template again? Or should I endevaour to make my own? Cause if I had my own, then I wouldn't have to have a maystar thingie on it...

YupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYupYup Uh-huh Uh-huh...

118 profile views... Imma popular guy I am... I have decided that Blogger needs smilie faces... Because they font they use makes my smilie faces imperfect... YEAH!

Almost 18,000 words now... So whens my book deal coming?

HAHA! I just read something that was written wrong, it made it sound as though only 70% of peopl who smoked, died. Not that 70% percent of people were dyine from smoking.

Sire? We move... If you know what thats about, then you rock!



So, lately I have read many thing about swearing. Some people say that the Bible doesn't actually say you shouldn't, so its ok... and stuff like that. I was just reading something Reese Roper wrote, that taking the Lords name in vain was when you break an oath to him. I just don't know about that... I believe that there is a great deal of irreverence when you say His name and don't really mean it. I also believe in purity of speech. Whats the point of swearing? Your words probably mean nothing, even in the face of great danger. If I yelled other random words, it wouldn't do anything... I guess I feel that the need you have that you try to fill with those words is the problem. Its kinda like me, whenever I talk abou CJ, its in some ways about how I would like a girlfriend. But I don't need one, and all that thinking about it does is propagate the problem. So yeah... WHY SWEAR? The things that are bound on earth will be bound in heaven. Yeah...


I am listening to Chevelle!

OH! Thats what I was gonna do! I was gonna post the sites for all my favorite artists... But then I started reading "Questions for Reese" at FiveIron.com!

SO here is my List! Dogwood, SwitchFoot, SuperTones, FiveIronFrenzy, Children 18:3 And tons of others... but thats all I am putting here right now...

Must resist urge... to... write all day... :-D

Yeah... I need to do like a whole weeks worth of school today, so I better get at it!

Chau...

"Some day I'll be back for you..."

Dum Dee Dum Dee Dummmmm...

I have a headache...

It hurts...

Coming Soon to a blog near you!

yeah, I haven't been posting... Lately nothing has been coming to mind...

I have big veins on my hands... its creeping me out...

Chau!